Jokes & Junk http://horologist.yuku.com/forums/16 en-us Copyright 2006, Yuku feeds@yuku.com (FeedMaster) webmaster@yuku.com (WebMaster) Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:26:09 GMT Yuku Feeds 1.0 http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss 60 Yuku http://static.yuku.com//feed/bypass/images/button-yuku.png http://horologist.yuku.com/forums/16 Yuku - free hosted forums and profiles 88 31 {pics-1.1 "http://www.icra.org/ratingsv02.html" l gen true for "http://yuku.com" r (nz 1 vz 1 lz 1 oz 1 cz 1 ) "http://www.rsac.org/ratingsv01.html" l gen true for "http://yuku.com" r (n 0 s 0 v 0 l 0 )) Search Search Domain q http://yuku.com/search/direct/ <![CDATA[ A Scary Halloween Story. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1714/t/A-Scary-Halloween-Story-.html A Scary Halloween Story

A cabbie picks up a nun.
She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
"My dear son, you cannot offend me," the nun answers. "When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1714 Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:26:08 GMT <![CDATA[ The College Test. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1712/t/The-College-Test-.html The College Test

A college class were told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The story must contain the following three components:
1) Religion
2) Sexuality
3) Mystery

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. This is the A+ story:

"Good God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"

]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1712 Fri, 23 Oct 2009 10:20:33 GMT <![CDATA[ No Enemies. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1708/t/No-Enemies-.html No Enemies

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies". Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. This time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs.Jones?" inquired the preacher,... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1708 Tue, 20 Oct 2009 11:52:20 GMT <![CDATA[ Aliens Land On Earth. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1706/t/Aliens-Land-On-Earth-.html Aliens Land On Earth

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1706 Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:50:13 GMT <![CDATA[ Signs You've Grown Up. Or Are Just OLD. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1705/t/Signs-You-ve-Grown-Up-Or-Are-Just-OLD-.html Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. 6 a.m. is when you get up, NOT when you go to bed.
4. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
5. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
7. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1705 Fri, 16 Oct 2009 12:06:46 GMT <![CDATA[ Funny Actual headlines. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1702/t/Funny-Actual-headlines-.html Actual Headlines

The following are actual headlines from real newspapers around the planet ... uhm ... with commentary ... more or less. Some of the headlines are a few years old. Enjoy! Hehehe!

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really? Nothing gets by these folks!]

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now THAT's taking things a bit far!]

3. Panda... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1702 Tue, 06 Oct 2009 17:44:21 GMT <![CDATA[ More Mistranslations. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1701/t/More-Mistranslations-.html I really liked the one found in a Bangkok hotel. These translations are actually rather funny when you think about them.

More Mistranslations

The following are from actual signs found in hotels and other venues in countries where English is not the main language. Enjoy, hehehe!

1. In Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1701 Sun, 04 Oct 2009 01:15:32 GMT <![CDATA[ The Wedding Test. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1699/t/The-Wedding-Test-.html

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married..
There was only one little thing bothering me ... It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1699 Fri, 02 Oct 2009 12:00:21 GMT <![CDATA[ Preacher's Son. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1693/t/Preacher-s-Son-.html The Preacher's Son

It was time for the country preacher's teenage son to choose a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't know what he wanted to do and wasn't too concerned about it so his father tried an experiment.
He placed four objects on the boy's desk: a Bible; a silver dollar; a bottle of whiskey; and a Playboy magazine. Then he hid behind the door to see which object he picked up first.
He... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1693 Sat, 12 Sep 2009 01:44:20 GMT <![CDATA[ Stockbrokers. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1685/t/Stockbrokers-.html "Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. The head of Goldman, Sachs, owns that one over there. And look at that huge yacht out there. That's the pride and joy... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1685 Thu, 03 Sep 2009 04:05:37 GMT <![CDATA[ At The Farm. Here's One For Howard. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1682/t/At-The-Farm-Here-s-One-For-Howard-.html At The Farm

A young boy, about 12, answered a knock at the door.
"Is yer paw home?" a farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with pa."
"How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"
"He went with ma and... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1682 Tue, 01 Sep 2009 23:01:02 GMT <![CDATA[ Five Quick Jokes. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1676/t/Five-Quick-Jokes-.html 5 Quickies

1. He said: "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
She said: "You wear pants, don't you?"

2. On a wall in a ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere!"
Written just below it: "I do not!"

3Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
3A. So men can remember them.

4Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1676 Mon, 31 Aug 2009 02:45:57 GMT <![CDATA[ Dumb Plays on Words. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1675/t/Dumb-Plays-on-Words-.html Lexophiles

1. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
2. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.
3. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
4. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
5. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
6. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
7. Those who... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1675 Sun, 30 Aug 2009 18:21:29 GMT <![CDATA[ The Eye Exam and why Dogs Chew Things Up. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1663/t/The-Eye-Exam-and-why-Dogs-Chew-Things-Up-.html BAD HUMOR

2-Fer

1. The Eye Exam

A man from Poland goes to the optometrist, who shows him a card with the letters: "C Z W X N Q S T A C Z".
"Can you read this?", the optometrist asks.
"Read it?", the man replies. "I know the guy!"

EDITOR: And now, a few choice words from the politically correct -- "You no-good, dirty,... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1663 Fri, 21 Aug 2009 10:04:44 GMT <![CDATA[ Church Hymns. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1656/t/Church-Hymns-.html Hymns

On Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate, adding that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1656 Tue, 18 Aug 2009 15:05:05 GMT <![CDATA[ The Gift. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1653/t/The-Gift-.html The Gift

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift, so he stopped at a department store on his way home.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1653 Sat, 15 Aug 2009 16:18:50 GMT <![CDATA[ Bad Humor For The Day. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1651/t/Bad-Humor-For-The-Day-.html BAD HUMOR

A (Modest) Humor Bouquet For The Ladies

1. House-Cleaning Challenged

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1651 Wed, 12 Aug 2009 23:52:33 GMT <![CDATA[ Exercise For Seniors. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1650/t/Exercise-For-Seniors-.html Exercise For Seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems easy, so we're passing it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, then hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1650 Tue, 11 Aug 2009 18:02:27 GMT <![CDATA[ Friday Stories. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1636/t/Friday-Stories-.html 1. The Train Ride

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to
the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly ... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Miss, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1636 Fri, 24 Jul 2009 09:22:04 GMT <![CDATA[ A Good Night's Rest. ]]> http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1635/t/A-Good-Night-s-Rest-.html A Good Night's Rest

By the time Chuck pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where, I'm too exhausted to go any farther."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (Timebuilder) http://horologist.yuku.com/topic/1635 Tue, 21 Jul 2009 14:45:39 GMT